When I was fifteen I went on a summer trip with the summer-school workers. During that time I was uncertain about how to handle a certain friendship. I wasn't sure if I could trust them, or even should. I was praying about it. On that trip we visited a little white church. I picked up the Bible in the front pew pocket and flipped open to Psalm 146 and read verse 3, "Do not put your trust in princes, in moral men who cannot save."
Sitting in that pew, holding a Bible that was not my own, I felt a little shocked to have such a clear answer that I did not want to hear. I wanted to hear that I could trust this person and that the future was clear. When I got to my own Bible, I underlined that verse.
Recently I have been laying open my heart to God, asking Him why people can be so cruel--whether intentionally or not. I prayed for peace. I wrote in my prayer journal, "Jesus, I need Your peace. I really, really do....Help me to focus on You, You, You. Let me love You and listen with all that I am. I need to mediate more on You and Your Word. More on You." And then I sat there. Feeling the anxiety and restlessness rise up in my heart.
So I opened the Bible. And I was given Psalm 146.
I am not to trust in princes, in people, who cannot save.
I am blessed if God is my help and my hope is in the Lord.
God alone is faithful forever.
He will provide for me, and set me free. (Free, free. Oh, God, could it be possible to be free of the heartache?)
Eyes to see, lifted up--loved by the Lord.
The defenseless provided for. My weakness will be protected by His strength and love.
The wicked frustrated.
Focus my eyes on Him who reigns.
That was five days ago.
Yesterday I was reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow and God spoke again.
This time it was from Jeremiah 17:5-8
"Thus says the Lord, 'Cursed is the man who trust in mankind and makes flesh his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant.'
'Blessed is the man who trust in the Lord, and who trust is in he Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.'"
I have been more worried about what others say, think of me, say behind my back, etc. than trusting in God. Where has my focus been? My focus has been on if man is pleased with me then I feel satisfied and fulfilled. And because of that I have been a dry bush.
This morning He spoke again.
In Luke 12:4-7
"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear; Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your heard are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
I have been more worried about others than about how God feels about my actions, in-actions etc. I have been basing my emotions on people instead of God. I am fearing the wrong thing. God controls my destiny, not man.
And then the part that made my heart constrict with joy and painful longing, "Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
God has not forgotten me. No, instead He loves me so very much. I need to focus my eyes on Him. Human love may come and go, but His love remains. I am not forgotten. I am loved.
Part of this morning's journal entry: "Why/how is it on certain day, certain passages overwhelm me with Your love? Thank You."
From fifteen to twenty-six apparently I am learning the same lesson. Where is my focus going to be? On men or on God? Do I want to be a dried up bush? Or a tree planted by a water, that never fears?